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Marques Haven – MarquesHaven.com
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Author: Marques Haven

The Argument – Part IV “Mya’s Secret”

Mya and Clarke had been inseparable since their freshman year at Georgetown, so moving in together as roommates was a no-brainer. They rented a cozy two-bedroom townhouse near Rock Creek Park, complete with a chill patio that perfectly suited Mya’s occasional indulgence in a blunt—always indica, since sativa wasn’t her vibe. The patio, with a Japanese Maple at its center and six-foot hedges enclosing the space, quickly became Mya’s sanctuary—a place to light up and let the day’s stress melt away. She had a deep appreciation for her weed, okay obsession, whatever, the girl likes weed. In the first month of living together, they hit up the annual “Real HU” football game—a legendary showdown between Hampton University and Howard University. For any Black college student in DC, this game was like a rite of passage. In case you’re wondering, Howard came out on top, 24-13, but the game was just the prelude to a night they wouldn’t forget. After the game, Mya and Clarke rolled up to Celebrity Hall on Georgia Avenue, a Go-Go club known as the “Black Hole.” And let’s be clear—Go-Go isn’t about dancers; it’s the heartbeat of DC funk, a sound that’s been moving souls since the '70s. The vibe at the Black Hole was typical: thumping beats, a crowd so tight you could barely move. With the Howard players in the house, riding the high of their win, the whole scene felt almost surreal, like an out-of-body experience. Gideon, with Preach in tow, was weaving through the club when he spotted Clarke. In that moment, he forgot how to move—how to breathe. There she was, on the dance floor, moving to Rare Essence like she owned the place, commanding the energy around her, with Gideon helplessly at its center. It wasn’t just how she moved; it was the confidence radiating from every sway, every turn of her body. She had the attention of every brother in the club—and more than a few sistas. But Clarke could give two fucks. She was in a world of her own, and Gideon wanted in. Sure, Mya was turning heads too, but Clarke’s vibe was next level. In the soulful, rhythmic heat of the Black Hole, Gideon and Clarke would meet and ignite a spark that would burn for years. And that fire would only blaze hotter when "The Argument" eventually unfolded. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Fast forward a year, and Clarke and Gideon were deep into their relationship. From the beginning, it was effortless—she was always craving him, and he could hardly breathe without her. They found purpose and belonging in each other, and to them, that was everything. Clarke and Mya had a deal: whenever Clarke wanted a special night with Gideon, Mya would give them space and head out. But one night, while Mya was out, she had an experience that would stick with her, something that would ultimately fuel “The Argument” years later. That evening, Gideon showed up at the townhouse with a bottle of wine and some takeout from...

The Ouroboros Effect

The last couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling like a man without a country, or in simpler terms, without a home. Not that I don’t have a home—I do—but lately, it hasn’t felt like one. So, I’ve been staying in hotels, and for the past few days, I’ve been watching my buddy’s dogs while he’s away on a Disney World trip with his girlfriend and kids. Let’s talk about these dogs for a second. There are three of them: one is supposed to be a miniature Doberman Pinscher named Izzy, but she actually looks like a fat fucking potbelly pig. She’s cool though, no issues. The other two, however—Bella and Gizmo, both French Bulldogs—are like little fucking terrorists. The have a penchant for getting all up in my grill and barking without any provocation. They also take full advantage of my habit of sleeping on the couch rather than a bed, which might be because beds feel lonely to me, even when I’m not alone. But that’s a topic for another day. ...

The Argument – Part III “Mya & Brit”

Now, Mya and Brit are a story all to themselves. A lesbian couple navigating the world of everyday life as if they alone exist within it. Neither deeply political nor champions of any particular issue that swirls about the LGBT community, they choose to move through life as one, assimilating the world into one shared experience – as a couple in love. Let’s start with Brit, real name Candice. With soft blue eyes and reddish-brown hair that seems to sport the duality of looking both unkempt yet stylish, Brit knew from an early age that she would always be drawn to women. As a young girl, she would find herself developing deep crushes on friends (girls) or daydreaming of spending her life with someone of the same sex. In fact, if asked, she would tell you that she couldn’t recall a moment in her life when she felt attracted to a man. Loving women, being attracted to them, wasn’t a choice for her, no more than being born female was. Originally from Bracknell, England, she is the byproduct of parents who fell in love during their days of working as diplomats. Her father, an American, worked most of his life as a foreign affairs officer for the U.S. State Department, and her mother, a Briton, spent her early days as a political savant in service of Her Majesty. Their union brought forth Candice, who became known as “Brit”, because of her accent, during her high school years at Sidwell Friends – a school for the children of the ultra-privileged and political elite. Even though Brit grew up in a world where kids whipped Bimmers around affluent neighborhoods and attended parties with security details in tow, she always remained grounded in the simpler things that life conjured up – like the joy of her mom’s cooking, the tranquility of evenings spent reading comic books with her dad, or the warmth of genuine friendship. Enter Mya. Mya, who proudly refers to herself as an Afro-Latina. Her father, Black, and her mother, both Black and Puerto Rican, Mya grew up in the upper middle-class neighborhood of Chevy Chase, Maryland. With both her parents being lawyers, it was no surprise that she would also find herself making a living as a top lawyer for one of the most prestigious law firms in Washington DC – Whittaker & Zinn. Tall, with even brown skin and hair that had the ability to be styled in a curly afro one day or braided in tight cornrows the next. To Mya, her hair was everything, an outward representation of the internal and deeply personal view she has of herself. A view that, at times, could be in direct opposition to her actions. Heads up, this fun fact comes into play during “The Argument,” so you might want to take notes. Just saying. Back to Mya… Unlike Brit, being a lesbian for Mya was a choice. Having been in relationships with both men and women, Mya found her connections with women to be more...

The Argument – Part II “Preach & Tabitha”

It was Preach who started the weekly meet-up for the group, a way to further bind the threads that connected them as friends. Ah, the friends, let’s lay out the characters, shall we? First up, Preach and his partner in crime, also known to the world as Tabitha. At five foot eight, Tabitha’s stature constantly contradicted her personality—loud at times, very opinionated at others, and always ready to engage in debate, irrespective of whether she held a particular view on the subject at hand. Dark-skinned, giving praise to her Jamaican roots, Tabitha, originally from Chicago’s Southside, is a force born of an upbringing fraught with hardship and deep-set trauma. More on that later, because it comes into play. And then there’s Preach, whose given name is Phineas. Due to his penchant for giving sermon-like pep talks to his teammates during his college football days at Howard University, he became known to everyone as 'Preach.' A product of biracial parents, black father, white mother, Preach grew up on the other side of the nation's capital, in Anacostia, Washington, DC. It was there he first met Gideon. Back then, their relationship was defined by moments, moments of playing Pop Warner football together; moments of running (and surviving) the streets of southeast DC. And, the moment of them graduating high school (together) despite the neighborhood’s temptation of a future that was seldom, if ever, realized. Each of these moments crystalized into a friendship-a bond. Needless to say, they were inseparable. Perhaps because they were both the only children of their parents. Or maybe they found in each other the one thing they both needed—brotherhood. In any event, they both eventually graduated high school with full scholarships and moved on to play football at Howard, both as wide receivers. If someone had to define the bond between Phineas, 'Preach,' and Gideon in one word, it would simply be 'fraternitas'. If someone had to define the bond between Phineas, 'Preach,' and Gideon in one word, it would simply be 'fraternitas.' Of course, that someone would have to be Latin or speak it, since its English counterpart is 'brotherhood.' But I’m tripping over details that will surely come out as the story goes on. So, on to the next couple in their little group of merry friends—Mya and Brit. "Check back for Part III of The Argument - "Mya & Brit"… ...

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, You are about to embark on an experience that will in no small way define who you will become as a woman, as well as a citizen of this world. Embrace that with every fiber of your being. But know, this world will challenge you in ways that may cause you to doubt who you are as well as your views. In those moments, hold fast to who you know yourself to be. Reflect on your experiences growing up, both good and bad. Remember my many attempts to challenge your views and opinions. Invoke at will, the memories of me telling you stories of my childhood and how those experiences still guide me to this very day. Always be open to new things. Willingly and with open eyes, devour new ideas, new experiences and all the newness that this world has to offer. It’s okay to be scared, nervous, and/or skeptical of the unknown. However, it is not okay to let those feelings paralyze you into inaction. You are my daughter, and we don’t freak-out, no matter what because "we" know there is always a way out and a way forward. Always and without exception be kind and respectful. As a citizen of this world you must remember there are those you will meet whose backgrounds will differ greatly from yours. That’s okay. In those differences you will find beauty and the threads that connect us as a people. However, never be afraid to stand your ground and always speak loudly so that your voice can be heard. Live within your words because through your words as well as your actions, this world will come to know your name. So make sure your words are clear and your actions deliberate. You are my greatest contribution to this world, and to that affect, I submit to God and to the people of this world, all that you are, and all that you will ever be. Know that I am incredibly proud of you. I’m still having a hard time grasping the fact the my little LuLa is now a freshman in college. I love you above all things under God, for he has blessed me with you and for that I shall forever be humbled and moved beyond measure. And lastly...

Breathe Brother, Breathe.

I should listen to that voice echoing back from a place I vaguely remember. Like it's reverberating well within a moment (now) that's to reminiscent of a thereafter I forgot existed. Was it home? I seem to recall a faint memory of wide unrestrained smile. Why can't i bring it into focus. God, I need to remember to breathe. Breathe brother, breathe. I think I left something there, just beyond the horizon. Fuck, why can't I breathe? Wait, I remember now...

Hope vs Faith

I give nothing to fate. Fuck fate, it's a fools inability to understand that shit just happens. At times, at the behest of your own doing, other times, the dime falls heads up. It is what it fucking is. No fucking magic, no ridiculous kismet, nope, reality just comes to fucking be, you know, reality. You want magic, deny yourself the ability to be (you), relinquish all that you hold dear, or better yet, just lose all fucking hope and watch your soul devour you from the inside out. Every day is death on repeat, miserable and un-fucking-yielding. Through the looking glass my ass, that bitch was shattered the day I took my first breath. When the days linger and the nights seem to have no end, every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of a lost dream born in the forbidden depths of desire. The very sight of it makes me want to vomit - up-chuck the very core of who I am. At times, I so fucking hate myself. It's a razor's edge between this bullshit and whatever lies fucking beyond. Hope is the sister of Faith and in my life, them bitches aren't talking. Fuck, to be honest, they're warring over who's the better trickster. As far as I am concerned, it's an even split, they both can die along with every fucked up dream I was ever dumb enough to conjure up. Fuck them bitches. Author’s Note: I wrote the above passage on May 17th, 2015. Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best headspace. I’ve been reading some of my past journal entries, trying to make sense of past actions, distant thoughts, and unresolved feelings. At least at times it feels that way. In retrospect, I can understand and, more importantly, accept, how deeply distressed I was in those moments. That’s okay. I have come to realize that regardless of how I might perceive a situation, my emotional reactions were indeed valid. However, depression can dissolve what I like to refer to as common sense reasoning.On one side of the emotional equation, you can clearly see that whatever situation you find yourself in isn’t good for you. You understand that as clear as day. But on the other side of the equation, where the math doesn’t necessarily make sense. Meaning, shit don’t be adding up. It's the confusion, hurt, and anxiety that consumes you, robbing you of the ability to plainly see what you surely know you must do—leave, cry, run, scream, breathe.I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still that person, knowing that 2 plus 2 is four but so caught up in the moment that I’m hellbent on making that shit equal 5. Oh, I’m still that person, but different. I can accept that shit happens. People fail you, and you fail them. It’s okay—we’re all flawed humans. It’s life and it ain’t always rainbows and butterflies. But when it is, it’s a beautiful thing. I was reminded of...

The Argument – Part I “Gideon & Clarke”

Once upon a time, there was an argument between two lovers. It was epic in both its execution and intensity. The lovers prosecuted their respective positions with words fired over emotional borders, malicious and deliberate in their intent. It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other—that was never in question. Anyone who happened to be in their orbit, whether passing through or staying for the long haul (friends), could testify to the love they had for one another. Again, that love was undeniable. However, in this particular instance, the argument overshadowed their love, giving way to baser instincts and emotions. Introducing Gideon and Clarke. Gideon, a Black man in his mid-50s, exudes a youthful and somewhat charismatic aura. And then there's Clarke, in her early 40s, a stylish Latina with a natural penchant for standing out without trying. Though her name, typically used for men, is often commented on, she likes to remind people that her name, “Clarke,” is blessed with an “e” at the end, making her as exceptional as her name. It Was Epic In Both Its Execution And Intensity Of course, there are other characteristics that make up both Gideon and Clarke, but it’s better to let those come out organically in the story. No need to rush things. Ah yes, the story—something we all affectionately refer to as “The Argument.” “The Argument” occurred at a place that sits on the edges of downtown Washington D.C. At a chic, yet understated spot featuring the typical craft cocktails and the like—Bar Virgile. It served as a weekly meet-up spot for Gideon and Clarke, along with their close friends, two other couples that included the chef of Bar Virgile, known to everyone as Preach. "Check back for Part II of The Argument - "Preach & Tabitha"… ...

Tide of Emotion: A Reflection on Love and Loss

Apparently, I have denied or hidden many things from myself as well as from the world beyond me. In truth, perhaps, I am less than who I believed myself to be. However, all things being equal, I do love. Without question, and maybe to my detriment. I do, and God forgive me, I do feel. In retrospect, possibly a tad bit too much. I’m no fool. I recognize exactly who and what I am. And therein lies the problem: a realization that regardless of my attempts to hold back the rising tide… I am who I am. A reflection of those before me and a lost whisper of what could be. It’s the hurt that consumes me, and… I fear what becomes of it. I’m hurting, Mama! My grasp no longer holds the grip it once did. Know this: loving you is so fucking easy. It’s akin to wanting (needing) to breathe and knowing you represent the ability to inhale life itself. And there it is… my inability to see beyond the moment at hand—today… too consumed by the present. So let me formally apologize. I failed you from hello. But, and again, God forgive me, my dumb ass loved you…MH ~ ...

Echoes of Vulnerability – Part I

She leaned over, breathlessly, after an hour spent exploring familiar curves as if rediscovering missed imperfections for the first time. “What do you want from me?” she whispered. It was a question drenched in the need to please, not suspicion. I thought of her voice, that raw and distinctive drawl that drew me in from a depth I didn’t know existed. “What do you want from me?” she asked again. The answer caught in my throat, but I nonetheless forced the words from the edge of my lips. “I want nothing from you.” “Nothing,” she replied. “Then why am I here?” I swear that voice will chase me until the end of days. “Okay,” I responded. “You’re here because I want you.” “In what way?” Her expression revealed nothing, but I sensed she was seeking something, something I was too afraid to give. This was seriously becoming some "Malcom" & Marie shit. Or perhaps "Love Jones", Perhaps. However, I'm no Darius Lovehall but she for damn sure could give Nina Mosley a run for her money. Fuck! "Why the inquisition?” I asked. “Because,” she paused as if a distant thought brought forth feelings yet to be reconciled. “You just made love to me in a way that blessed me with what I can only describe as pure joy. Understand, me saying that places me in a vulnerable and possibly untenable position.” I wanted to say, “You’re welcome,” but that would have been flippant and far from a truthful response. If I allowed myself to be vulnerable as well, I would tell her that our lovemaking damn near brought me to tears. Here’s the thing about having sex with someone, or what I like to refer to as (F)ornicating (U)nder (C)onsent of the (K)ing. Choose your adjective, but it be what it be. However, in this case, with her, it was far from the typical sexual escapade. This was different. It began as most moments like this do: clumsy and rushed. Though that wasn’t my intent. I was playing the role of someone I thought she wanted, but it was someone as foreign to me as an iris blooming on the dark side of the moon. Within minutes of the act, I could feel her apprehension take root. That’s when I realized she wanted me—the man who lived within his words, a man who burns slow but deliberate with a need for acceptance too often withheld. So I recalibrated. I let the me who I believe myself to be become exposed, and yes, vulnerable. I let my hunger for her rage free. If she were a riddle, she wouldn't be hard to solve, not with that body. Fuck! It's like she evokes this weird, ancient feeling of covetousness. And yes, I said covetousness, because she wasn’t mine. That offer would come later. I did to her what God did when he created the world. I made love. So I removed all thoughts of rejection and let my words, twisted in a storm of emotion, guide me, her, and the moment at hand. I did...

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